How to Deal With Feeling Like a Failure

There are hundreds of platitudes about failing, and they all talk about how it’s simply a part of life.

  • Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” - Confucius
  • "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." ― Thomas Edison
  • "Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly." ― John F. Kennedy

So why does it feel so bad to fail?

Failure isn’t a bad thing. It can be a learning opportunity. But if you’re like everyone else, feelings of failure can sneak in and cause mental distress.

If you’re wondering what to do when you feel like a failure, this article will cover:

  • What causes feeling like a failure
  • Mental health and feeling like a failure
  • 7 ways to stop feeling like a failure
  • Finding help

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Why Do I Feel Like a Failure?

It’s normal to feel like a failure after something doesn’t go the way you’d like, but persistent feelings of failure are debilitating and can cause relational and interpersonal issues.

Consistent feelings of failure are rarely tied to true shortcomings. Expectations, comparisons, and a high view of other people all contribute to feeling like a failure.

Impossibly High Expectations

Whether it’s what you expect your life to be or the expectation of friends or family, unmet expectations are a big source of feeling like a failure. 

Having high expectations of yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, if you don’t give yourself enough space to get things wrong, you run the risk of setting your standards impossibly high

Feelings of failure can come from external expectations. This is commonly seen in parents experiencing mom or dad guilt. 

Society, family members, and friends can pressure people to live a certain way. This includes any number of topics and choices. These expectations include:

  • Getting married by a certain age
  • Reacting a certain way
  • Choosing a certain career
  • Earning a certain amount of money
  • Parenting children a certain way 
  • Having things together at a young age

Unattainable expectations can burden people and make them feel like they’re failures. In reality, these expectations are failing everyone. 

Image: a person with their elbows resting on their knees and their head in their hands. They're sitting in front of a window with their reflection in a mirror next to them. Text: unattainable societal expectations are failing everyone.

Social Comparison

Social media has become a real problem for a lot of people. Seeing a constant feed of how well everyone’s life is going can make people feel like failures. 

  • This person already has 3 kids—I’m a failure for not being a parent yet
  • This person just purchased their first house—I’m a failure for living with my parents
  • This person just got a promotion at their work—I’m a failure for not being employed
  • People I went to college with all went on a trip to Hawaii—I’m a failure for not being closer to my old friends
  • This person just posted again about how good their kid’s grades are—I’m a failure because my kid doesn’t get good grades

Comparing your life to everyone else's is a surefire way to be disappointed. Social media posts are not a good representation of what life is actually like. Everyone has their struggles and difficulties. Some people just know how to look better to other people.

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Related article: Why is Social Media Addictive? 

Idolizing Others

Similar to social comparison, idealizing others is an incorrect view of who people are and what their lives are like.

You might have that one friend who seems to have everything together. They’re the person you want to be. The problem? You can’t figure out how to be as successful as them.

If you idealize others, you’re more likely to feel guilty for not living to the same standards. It’s important to remember that everyone has different abilities.

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Mental Health Conditions and Feelings of Failure

Feeling like a failure is a part of the human experience. However, they can be exacerbated by or exacerbate mental health conditions. 

Low self-esteem can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression. It’s also likely to feel like a failure more often than not. 

Mental health conditions that are often associated with low self-esteem are:

  • Eating disorders
  • Substance abuse
  • Addiction
  • Social anxiety
  • Suicidal ideation
  • Depression
  • Anxiety

The truth is, if you don’t know what to do with feelings of failure, chances are you haven’t really failed. Your mental health struggles are not your fault. 

  • Anxiety and depression are caused by an imbalance of chemicals
  • Trauma is someone that happens to you, not something you did
  • Addiction is a disease
  • Relapses are a regular part of addiction recovery

Mental health conditions can create mental spaces that make feelings of failure more common and harder to deal with.

No image, text: your mental health struggles are not your fault.

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7 Ways to Stop Feeling Like a Failure

If you’re experiencing chronic feelings of failure, you may need to put considerable effort into making change. However, change can happen and you can stop feeling like a failure all the time.

Here’s what to do when you feel like a failure.

No image, text: 7 was to stop feeling like a failure are realizing that failure is a proper now, seeking professional help, understanding where expectations are coming from, practicing mindfulness, challengng your negative thoughts, remembering everyone fails, and practicing positive self talk

1. Realize That Failure Is a Proper Noun

You may have been called a failure for most of your life. You’re used to it, and the title of failure is now attached to your self-image. That idea should be challenged.

A person is not a capital F failure for messing up or not reaching expectations. No one is a failure in a final sense. 

2. Seek Professional Help

It might seem like an extreme step, but therapy is a great option for a plethora of issues. Chronically feeling like a failure is a good reason to seek therapy.

A professional therapist can help you better understand the expectations and distorted cognitions that are making you feel like a failure. They can also help dissect any other issues that are exacerbating your feelings. 

3. Understand Where Expectations are Coming From

If you feel like a failure for not living up to expectations, whether they be your own, or someone else's, closely examine where those come from.

Relapsing after recovery is common, but there’s a strange expectation that those who go to a recovery center will never relapse. This invalid expectation comes from a misunderstanding of the recovery process.

A common expectation placed on young adults is financial independence. This doesn’t just mean not requiring financial support from parents, but often includes having expendable income. This is a strange expectation as only 45% of young adults claim to be financially independent from their parents.

When you take a step back and consider the expectations that cause you feel like you’re failing, you’ll probably realize just how impossible and silly they are.

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Related article: Why Do Addicts Relapse When Things Are Good? 

4. Practicing Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a balm for most mental health struggles. 

Mindfulness practices bring focus into the present. It helps people process and think through the feelings they’re experiencing. This includes physical sensations and internal thoughts.

Mindfulness practices to help you feel less like a failure include:

The cool thing about these exercises is you don’t need to go anywhere to do them. Most mindfulness exercises can be done throughout the day or in the comfort of your home.

By practicing mindfulness you’ll be able to see your failures for what they are—opportunities. 

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Related article: What Does it Mean to be Grounded? 

5. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

A lot of our thoughts go unchecked. We don’t have to think twice about what a greenlight means because it’s so practiced, it's muscle memory. The same can be true about negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts might be second nature to you. Maybe you’ve been burned too many times to expect anything positive. To stop feeling like a failure you need to challenge your negative self-talk and thoughts.

To stop negative thoughts you’ll first need to become aware of them. Mindfulness, particularly journaling, can be a great place to start in this. Write down your thoughts and come back at a later time to find negative thinking patterns.

Once you have a good idea of your negative thoughts try challenging them by asking some simple questions:

  • How have past events similar to this panned out?
  • How would a close friend respond if they heard this thought?
  • Would you lose anything by continuing down this thought process? If so, is it worth it?
  • Is this a realistic thought?

Challenging your negative thoughts will take time, but the process can be aided with the help of therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy.

6. Remember Everyone Fails

While feeling like a failure, it’s easy to feel alone and isolated. Thoughts about being the only person who has messed up in this way begin to flow in. Those untrue thoughts should be challenged.

The truth is, everyone fails and it doesn’t matter what you’ve done, someone else has done it before. Failure is a part of life and virtually everyone can think of a time they felt like a failure.

7. Practice Positive Self Talk

Positive self-talk is an inner dialogue that focuses on positive thoughts. It’s not a default setting, but instead an activity to be utilized.

Positive self-talk sounds something like this:

  • “I relapsed, but I was doing really well, and I know I’m capable of change.”

It’s a reframing of negative thoughts. However, it can also be used to celebrate and uplift yourself when things go right.

  • “I succeeded in this way because I worked hard. I deserve to feel good about this achievement.”

Practicing positive affirmations such as:

  • I am enough
  • I am growing
  • I am always learning

These are kinds of positive self-talk that can be used every day to boost confidence and create a healthier view of who you truly are.

Image: a man in a suit leaning against a window sill with his head resting on his fist. text: positive affirmations you can use are I am growing, I am enough, I am proud of myself, I can do this

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Finding Help Through Sequoia Behavioral Health

Everyone will feel like a failure at some point in their life. That doesn’t make it an easy thing to deal with, especially for those with low self-esteem or who are suffering from substance use disorder.

Sequoia Behavioral Health is a treatment facility that offers inpatient and outpatient care. However, if you’re looking for help with your feelings of failure, we can help connect you to local services that can help.

Get in touch to find out if Sequoia Behavioral Health is a good option for you.