How to Heal From Trauma Bonding

It goes without saying that abusive relationships are toxic and damaging. Despite this, it can feel impossible to leave an abusive relationship even when you know it is unhealthy. 

Trauma bonds occur when there is an irrational bond between an abuser and their victim. Although these bonds are irrational, they create a deeply-rooted attachment that is hard to break free from.

Trauma-bonded relationships are particularly complex and often misunderstood. Understanding these complexities will help someone free themselves from the trauma bond and begin to recover from it. 

Let’s take a look at what a trauma bond is, how they form, and how you can heal from them. 

What Is a Trauma Bond?

Some people incorrectly believe that trauma bonds form over a shared traumatic experience. It’s a common misconception that causes confusion around trauma bonding and what it means to be in a trauma bonded relationship. 

A trauma bond forms in a relationship when an abuse victim has a strong attachment to their abuser. It is common for there to be a cycle of abuse followed by brief moments of positive reinforcement. 

Over time, the abusive behavior is normalized in a relationship. It may be difficult for the abuse victim to identify the abuse, and they often make excuses for the toxic behavior. A false hope of improvement in the relationship plays a large role in why someone stays in the trauma bond. 

Although it is most common in romantic relationships, trauma bonding can occur in friendships and between family members.

Related Article: 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding 

How a Trauma Bond Forms

There are a variety of factors that contribute to the formation of trauma bonds. Some people are more likely to find themselves in a trauma bond if they have a history of being abused and neglected. Their past experiences of inconsistent caregiving can influence them to seek validation and security from abusive partners.  

Trauma bonds aren’t always borne out of past experiences. Some circumstances that can lead to trauma bonding include:

• Power Imbalance: Abusers will often create the upper hand in a relationship by demanding control and obedience. Victims become afraid to challenge the abuser’s authority, and the relationship balance will be skewed towards the abuser 
• Survival Mechanisms: Abuse victims will use defense mechanisms like denial and dissociation to cope with abuse. These mechanisms avoid confrontation, which only furthers the trauma bond
• Isolation: Abusers will isolate the victim from their support system to maintain control. This makes the victim more reliant on the abuser for their needs and validation 

Overall, trauma bonding comes from a combination of behaviors from the abuser and the victim. The abuser will use controlling and manipulative tactics, while the victim uses unhealthy coping mechanisms to respond to the abuse.

Related Article: Attachment Trauma in Adults 

The Impact of Complex Trauma on Abuse Victims

Complex trauma occurs when someone experiences repeated traumatic events, such as childhood abuse or domestic violence. This can lead to someone developing complex posttraumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). 

C-PTSD is the result of prolonged trauma, whereas PTSD generally stems from an isolated event. The symptoms of C-PTSD such as emotional dysregulation and interpersonal difficulties can make someone more prone to a trauma bond. 

To learn more about trauma and how it can have a lasting effect on our lives, read our related article Trauma: Definition, Effects, & Types. 

Codependency and Trauma Bonding

Codependency and trauma bonding are two distinct psychological conditions that tend to feed into each other. Codependency occurs when one person excessively relies on another for validation, self-worth, and identity. This feeds into the abuser’s need for control over the victim, and further strengthens the trauma bond.

For a more in-depth guide on codependency, check out our other article Codependency: Definition & Causes.

How to Heal From a Trauma Bond

Although it’s challenging, breaking free and healing from a trauma bond can be done. It’s important for someone stuck in a trauma bond to know that they deserve to live a life that’s free from their abuse cycle. Living a healthier life starts with self-awareness of the abuse they are experiencing and the impact it has on their wellbeing.

 Some steps that someone can take to break free from a trauma bond include:

• Acknowledge the abuse
• Want a better and healthier life for themselves
• Set boundaries and enforce them
• Challenge harmful beliefs
• Practice patience and self-care

To some people, these steps come naturally. However for someone in a trauma bond, it will take practice and dedication to develop healthier ways of thinking and behaving. Also, it’s important for someone in a trauma bond to connect with others. It’s difficult to face the challenges of trauma bonds alone, but there are a variety of resources available to help. 

Creating a Support System

Having a support system of friends and family that they can trust is essential for someone recovering from a trauma bond. The goal of a support system is to have people that can provide love and validation for the victim. 

Though the support from loved ones goes a long way, sometimes they don’t have all the knowledge and understanding of a trauma bond. Group therapy and peer support groups are a great way of meeting people who may have also experienced similar challenges. 

Individual Therapy

Someone affected by a trauma bond will need healthy coping mechanisms to deal with their abuse. Seeking help from a therapist will provide someone a supportive environment to heal from their trauma. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps victims challenge their dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with positive alternatives. By discovering how someone’s thoughts and behaviors are affected by a trauma bond, they can reframe their negative beliefs to live to develop healthier ones. 

Getting Rid of a Trauma Bond

Breaking free from a trauma bond is completely achievable. You can do it with self-awareness, healthy coping skills, and support. Although it might be a long and challenging journey, it’s worth it for a happy and healthy life.. 

If you or a loved one is stuck in a trauma bond, reach out today to start a conversation about treatment. All of our programming at Sequoia Behavioral Health is based in trauma care. Our approach is compassionate, holistic, and personalized. Call us today to learn more.