How to Stop Being Avoidant

Living with avoidant attachment gets more and more difficult when people get closer and closer to their loved ones. Whether in romantic relationships, families, or friendships, avoidant attachment can develop for several reasons. 

While avoidant attachment may not be the easiest thing to overcome, it can be done. This article will help define the different avoidant attachment styles and talk about five methods to stop being avoidant. 

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment is rooted in the idea of attachment theory. This theory shows that harmful childhood experiences affect our relationships as adults. The first two years of a child's life have a huge impact on how they form attachments.

Neglect, non-affectionate caregivers, and witnessing traumatic events can cause a child to develop avoidant attachment. Those who have an avoidant attachment style tend to close themself off from others and show no clear sign of how they're feeling. This makes it very difficult for others to understand and sympathize with them.

Signs of Avoidant Attachment

While the most obvious symptom of an avoidant attachment may be a desire to be distant, there are other more subtle avoidant attachment symptoms to look out for. These can look like:

1. Coping with problems in solitude 
2. Feeling like partners are being clingy when they aren't
3. Avoiding clear signs of how they are feeling
4. Strong fear of rejection
5. Negative view of others and a high view of themselves 

Someone with an avoidant attachment style is generally seen as cold and distant. If a loved one has this attachment style, it’s important to figure out why and how to help them feel secure. 

Related Article: Attachment Trauma In Adults

Different Attachment Styles

There are four different attachment styles. These attachment styles dictate how an individual tends to react in a relationship. These patterns start at a very young age and lead up to adulthood. These styles are:

• Disorganized: Develops when a child doesn’t know or can’t predict how their caregiver will attend to their needs
• Anxious: Starts when children do not have dependable responses from their caregivers, resulting in "clinginess"
• Avoidant: Lack of responses from caregivers during childhood can result in physical and emotional hyper-independence
• Secure: Sensitive and responsive care from their caregivers results in social confidence and care for others

Knowing which attachment style your loved one has is very important to understand their behaviors and direct how you should behave toward them. One of the best and most simple things one can do to help is to be there for them and their needs.

Sequoia Behavioral Health offers attachment-style therapy for those in need of help creating secure emotional bonds. Located in Mesa AZ, Sequoia has a wonderful team of professional therapists. We offer a multitude of treatment programs and three different levels of care to effectively treat all of our clients. Schedule a call with us to get started today.  

Five Ways to Stop Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment hurts all relationships. Thankfully, there are several things that you can do to stop avoidant attachment. This attachment style heavily affects both people in the relationship. With that being said, here are some strategies to stop avoidance. 

1. Give Attention to Your Avoidant Partner

It’s a simple one, but it’s an important one. Being attentive and listening to your loved one not only shows that you’re paying attention to them, but that you care about them. Avoidant attachment is most commonly rooted in neglect during childhood, further neglect, even if you don't believe you're being neglectful, could be harmful. Talk to your loved one, and make sure you know what makes them feel seen.

2. Comfort Each Other

Comforting each other not only removes any avoidant tension in the relationship but quickly strengthens the bond. This tip is especially important for long-term couples as they experience all the ups and downs of life together. It’s no surprise that couples will experience hardships together, and the best thing to do is comfort each other. This can be as simple as letting your loved one know that everything will be ok as long as you are there.  

Related Article: High Functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder Guide

3. Practice Mindfulness‍

Mindfulness allows people to connect their body with their mind which is good for general anxiety and depression. Mindfulness can also help a lot with avoidant attachment. Some examples of mindful exercises include going on hikes, mindful breathing, and mindful movement exercises such as stretching.

Related Article: What Does it Mean to be Grounded? 

4. Be Honest with Each Other

A large amount of avoidance attachment problems arise from a lack of trust. For example, as a child, they couldn't trust their caregiver to soothe them when they cried The best thing you can do to maintain a healthy relationship and stop avoidance is to be honest but also validate each other's feelings. 

Most people can tell when someone is being dishonest with them, and it drives someone crazy when they don’t know the truth. That instance would not make an avoidant person any less avoidant. Being honest builds a strong, and long-lasting relationship that will work against avoidant behaviors. 

5. Attend Therapy

Sometimes, the answer is just to go to therapy and more often than not, it helps the problem exponentially. There is a wide variety of different therapies that can help someone become less avoidant. 

Attachment-style therapy is the best for avoidant behaviors, as it specifically focuses on giving the patient a secure attachment style. Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy is great as well as it utilizes mindfulness practices to help patients become more aware, less avoidant, and mentally healthy in general. 

Attachment Style Therapy at Sequoia 

Being less avoidant and more grounded is not only good for any given relationship, but also for a person’s mental health. They can feel more confident and have more effective platonic and professional relationships. 

Sequoia Behavioral Health offers specialized treatment programs for every client’s unique needs provided by our experienced therapists. Contact us today to get started.