What to Tell Someone Who Relapsed

Being a support person for a loved one is challenging and rewarding, but it’s often taxing. Chances are you’re not a trained therapist. You’re a well-meaning friend who deeply wants to see your loved one succeed.

You’re doing a great thing by offering support, and you’re doing an even greater thing by learning how to offer support. 

In addiction treatment, chances are relapses will happen. How you offer support in the moments after that is important, and it’s especially important how you talk with your friend. The best things to say to someone who’s relapsed will be encouraging and point them back to their treatment journey.

A Word On Taking Care of Yourself

If you find yourself in a position where a good friend or family member is needing your support you need to support yourself first. Without a proper source of support for yourself, you may find yourself struggling with depression, anxiety, and other health issues.

To properly care for your friend you need to first equip yourself:

• Consider attending therapy
• Journaling
• Support group meetings
• Practice Self-care

Whatever method you choose, check yourself often. We also offer several resources for those who want to support their loved ones before, during, and after treatment. 

What Causes Relapses

True support starts with understanding. Learning more about mental health in general will help you be a better support for your friend. However, learning about addiction, how relapses work, and what causes them will help you talk with them after a relapse. 

Some of the common causes of a relapse include:

• Guilt
• Poor mental or physical health
• Circumstances that cause stress
• Reminders that act as a trigger: people, places, things
• Loneliness
• Withdrawal

It’s important that you know that relapses are a part of the healing process. 

Related Article: Understanding the Cycle of Addiction

What To Say To Someone Who Relapsed

Your friend has reached out to you about relapsing. Now what do you do? You are not your friend’s savior, and you shouldn’t try to be. But the way you talk to them about relapse can have great effects on their recovery journey.

Related Article: How to Help a Loved One in Recovery

Support after a relapse should be encouraging and realign them to their goals. These are things you should say to someone who has relapsed.

“This Doesn’t Mean You’ve Failed”

40%-60% of people in recovery experience relapse. It is rare for someone to go through treatment and never relapse. It’s a normal part of recovery, and it is not a sign of failure.

Remind your loved one that they haven’t failed, and they don’t need to start over.

“I’m Here to Support You”

One of the worst parts about relapsing is the thought that the people you love have been let down. Remind your loved one that you’re there to support them no matter what. This will help them move past shame and move toward healing

“I Know You’re Working Hard And I Know You Want This”

Going to treatment requires some level of commitment. Your loved one has put effort into getting sober and seeking treatment—that should be applauded. 

Acknowledge the dedication and hard work they’ve put in to get this far. Let them know you’re proud of the work they’ve done.

There’s a common misconception that people in recovery who relapse do so because they want to. Telling them that you know they want to be sober can have a profound effect. Dispel the myths surrounding relapse, and point them toward their goals.

“You Can Do It Again”

The fact your friend has sought treatment and got sober is a commendable act. Your friend will most likely feel awful and torn up about their relapse. You can inject some optimism into the situation by encouraging them that they can do it again. Because they can.

“How Can I Help You Right Now?”

Asking this question can comfort your friend by offering your availability. This can also bring them out of their head and into the present moment. Maybe they want tea, food, or a warm bath. Help them out by providing for their physical needs.

Your friend might be uncomfortable with this question, and they may not feel comfortable answering it. If that’s the case, use your best judgment and simply be available for them if they need anything.

What Not To Say (And What You Should Do Instead) 

While offering support to a friend who has relapsed it’s not about making things right or finding out what went wrong. Remember that it’s all about encouragement.

Those who are going through treatment hear a lot of ignorant and unhelpful things. Here are some common things people say to those who’ve relapsed and what you should tell them instead.

“How Did This Happen?”

You cannot change the past. You might be curious about the events that led to the relapse, but be careful about this. 

Asking someone to recall the events of their relapse can be damaging. There could be trauma attached to the events and recalling it could retraumatize.

Take a proactive approach to support by learning warning signs and keeping an eye on them. Speak up beforehand not afterward.

“You Aren’t Doing Enough”

Relapse does not mean treatment “didn’t work”. As stated above, relapse is a normal part of recovery, and recovery takes time. It takes more than a relapse to reconsider a treatment plan. You also aren’t there to save them, but to support them. Let them take responsibility for their treatment plan.

That being said, if your loved one is not seeking treatment it may be a good idea to suggest treatment at a later time.

“I’m Not Doing Enough”

Watching a loved one relapse is disheartening. If you’re a close support person you’ve seen all the work they’ve put in; it can be heartbreaking to hear they relapsed.

Resist the urge to take it out on yourself. You may have guilt about becoming lax in checking up on them or dwell on what you feel you could have done differently. Don’t make things about you, and instead focus on the present moment.

“I’m Disappointed in You”

Guilt and shame do not change people. You might feel disappointed and frustrated that they relapsed. “How could they do this?” “They’ve been doing so well.”

Your friend is already asking themself these same questions. They’re disappointed in themselves so heaping more shame on them will not get them anywhere

Redirect your friend away from guilt and shame and toward their relapse prevention plan. Encourage them and celebrate their recovery thus far.

Other Ways You Can Offer Support

Oftentimes, having long conversations isn’t the best option. There is so much you can do for your friend that doesn’t involve directly addressing the relapse.

Sit and Listen

Loneliness can contribute to a relapse. Your friend might just want to be heard. So, sit and listen.

While listening to them, affirm their emotions. Acknowledge what they’re feeling and make it known you’re listening.

Be With Them

Just be around them. Make a meal, order in food, or create a comfortable space for them. Do small things for them and be with them in the present moment.

Review Their Relapse Plan With Them

This may have to happen at a later time, but encourage them to look over their relapse plan and adjust it as needed. Even better, sit down with them and work through it together.

If they’re open to it, ask them if they learned anything from their relapse. This will encourage them to engage in self-reflection, which is a very important part of recovery.

Encourage Self-Care

Self-care is a stress management tool that is important for recovery. When practicing self-care, you’re keeping yourself nourished and you reduce your chances of turning to substances to cope.

You can encourage your friend to engage in self-care in a lot of ways. For example, if your friend is into hiking, invite them to go on hikes. You can also get them a self-care kit with healthy snacks, vitamins, and a good-smelling candle.  

Helping Them Find Help

If you’re trying to support someone who has yet to go to treatment, the best thing you can do is encourage treatment. If they’re open to it, you could sit with them and research treatment options and facilities in your area.

You can also Call the SAMHSA helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357), They can help find local resources for you and your friend.

A person must decide to go to rehab on their own accord. If your loved one needs treatment but doesn’t want it, we offer intervention and medical detox referrals. Give us a call to see how we can help. 

Find Support At Sequoia Behavioral Health

Sequoia Behavioral Health offers holistic mental health and addiction treatment. Our treatment plans are designed to treat the root of the problem as well as the symptoms. 

If you’re supporting someone who has decided to seek rehab, consider Sequoia Behavioral Health. You can also learn more about addiction, treatment, and recovery to become a better-equipped support person.