Invalidating Feelings: Why It's So Hurtful and How to Avoid Doing It

Thoughts and feelings make up who we are. Because of that, they are very important to people.

It’s painful when those you care about dismiss your feelings. You might be worried about a big decision or torn up over a loss. Feeling like a loved one doesn’t care about what you’re going through can be isolating.

In this article, we’ll discuss:

• What it means to invalidate someone’s feelings
• How does invalidating someone’s feelings damage a relationship
• What makes someone feel invalidated 
• How to validate someone’s feelings 

What Does it Mean to Invalidate Someone’s Feelings?

Emotional invalidation is the act of dismissing, rejecting, or ignoring someone’s feelings or experiences. Whether it’s an intentional, verbal rejection or an unintentional dismissal, invalidating someone’s feelings tells them their feelings don’t matter or are wrong.

Invalidating feelings can be a tactic for manipulation and abuse, and it’s often accompanied by gaslighting. It can also occur when someone is trying to cheer someone up. They might say something like “You made it through though.” or “You should just forget about that.”. 

While the intention may be good, invalidating someone’s feelings can be damaging.

How Does Invalidating Feelings Damage a Relationship?

Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and honesty. Each person does their part to make the other feel safe, secure, and able to express themselves. All of this is built with healthy communication, and a freedom to express feelings and needs.

Invalidation harms platonic and romantic relationships in several ways.

It Breaks Down Communication

Communication is vastly important for a healthy relationship because it allows for trust and deep connections to be built. When both people feel their feelings are validated, they’re more likely to resolve conflict when it arises and build a stronger bond.

When someone feels their feelings being invalidated time and time again, they are less likely to share thoughts, feelings, and emotions freely. Instead of being open and expressing their needs, people who feel invalidated will internalize and hide their feelings, leading to resentment 

It Creates an Unhealthy Power Balance

If one person in a relationship is consistently invalidated, the relationship will experience an unhealthy power balance. The person who is invalidated will over time push down the feelings their partner finds unacceptable.

Whether intentional or not, persistent invalidation causes people to disregard their feelings and eventually they will begin to disconnect from their true self. Invalidation exerts power over someone and pushes them down.

When people feel validated they are able to live as their truest self. There’s no pushing down of emotions or hiding from feelings. They’re able to express themselves and the power dynamics are balanced.

It Removes Feelings of Safety

When someone is repeatedly invalidated, they are less likely to trust the person who is invalidating them. Emotions reveal our truest selves. Our deepest thoughts and dreams. Emotional invalidation invalidates a person’s true self.

Trust is shown by doing what you say you will and providing safety. Saying you love someone or care about someone, but then brushing off their concerns or struggles is double minded. This creates feelings of instability within a relationship - are you really someone they can trust?

What Makes Someone Feel Invalidated?

It’s easy enough to know when you feel invalidated. You may have experienced the all too familiar experience of someone you look up to suddenly brushing you off. You may have felt:

• Loneliness
• Confusion
• Self-doubt
• Distrust

However, it can be difficult to understand how other people may feel invalidated. If you’ve been accused of invalidating someone’s feelings you may feel like the accusation came out of left field.

Misunderstanding Their Struggles

People who struggle with mental health issues don’t often show outward symptoms. That makes it difficult for people to understand what they’re going through.

Not understanding someone’s struggle can make them feel invalidated.

Talking About Yourself

When someone is talking about their experiences, feelings, and emotions, they want to know they’re being heard. Responding with a personal anecdote or story says you’re thinking about yourself and you aren’t listening.

You might share a similar experience or feel you relate to what they’re going through at that moment, but expressing that can come across as dismissive and can downplay their experiences.

There is a time to relate with someone and express shared experiences, but if they’re currently going through something hard, it’s more important to listen.

Not Paying Attention

Being checked out while someone expresses their feelings tells them that you aren’t listening and don’t care. 

Not paying attention can manifest in several ways: 

• Being checked out or checking your phone while someone talks about their feelings
• Changing the subject away from what someone is sharing tells them you don’t want to hear what they have to say.

Changing the subject or being checked out tells the person that their feelings are not important enough for your attention.

How to Validate Someone’s Feelings

Validation doesn’t come easily or naturally for everyone. It takes effort to make sure someone feels like their thoughts and feelings are heard and cared about. 

Validating someone’s feelings means demonstrating that their feelings are real. Here are a few ways to validate someone’s feelings.

Listen

Listening is an active choice. It’s worth the effort to make someone else feel like their feelings are valid and that you are there to support them. Here are some tips for how to listen actively:

• Face the person talking and maintain eye contact. This shows the person you’re listening, emotionally available, and helps you stay focused on them.
• Allow for silence in the conversation. Interrupting, jumping to conclusions, and filling the silence will slow down the conversation. Silence gives time for thought and reflection during conversations, don’t try to cover it up.

Let the person talk without interruption and listen to what they have to say.

Acknowledge Their Emotions

Once you’ve given your loved one the space and time to talk and really listened to what they had to say, it’s time to acknowledge what they’ve said. Listening is not enough to validate someone’s feelings, you need to let them know their feelings are real and they're valued.

Acknowledging someone’s feelings could be as easy as saying “I hear you.” Another thing you can do is say what they said, like “I hear that you’re feeling isolated, is that correct?”

It also never hurts to make sure you literally tell them that their feelings are valid. You can say something like, “What you’re going through is hard, and your feelings are valid. I’m here for you.”

These examples might seem very simple, but it’s reassuring to know that someone heard, acknowledged, and validated your feelings.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Encourage elaboration by asking open-ended questions. If you ask questions that are too specific, they may feel you’re trying to guide them into saying something.

Listening and acknowledging someone’s feelings shows them that you care about them. Asking questions will show them you’re willing to engage with them.

The goal of open-ended questions is to encourage elaboration and discussion. It can be hard to know what a good question is. Here are some examples of good open-ended questions:

• How does that make you feel?
• What do you think about…
• Could you talk more about…I want to understand more.

Depending on the situation and topic, you may need to avoid asking questions like “Why do you feel that way?” This can be a frustrating question to answer. They may not know why they feel the way they do and that’s the issue.

Things to Avoid 

While talking with someone avoid making assumptions about their problems and how to “fix” them. 

It might feel natural to try and divert them away from certain topics or scary thoughts. It’s important to avoid this because it says that you don’t want to hear those kinds of things. If someone is experiencing distressing thoughts, it’s important for them to express them. It makes it more helpful for them to receive help.

Learn More About Support With Sequoia Behavioral Health

Supporting a loved one through mental health treatment is a critical part of the recovery process. Your support means they’re more likely to continue to grow and stay mentally healthy.

Being a support person can often feel like a chore and a slog. However, the more you know about mental health recovery, the better equipped you’ll be to be helpful.

Sequoia Behavioral Health has a vast library of resources to help you learn about mental health and support your loved one through and after treatment.